Reflections on Christmas, 2018

Today is December 28^th and the house is again quiet this morning.  We said goodbye to our daughter, son-in-law, and their six children about three hours ago.  They are on their way home to Pennsylvania with a planned stop in North Carolina to visit John (or son) and his family.

The linens have been taken from their beds, the last sets of dishes are in the washer, and the oven is self-cleaning.  This was our first Christmas in this new home, and we were able to share the time with family for this most important of seasons.  It is precisely why we made the move from northwest Florida to this community.

There is something that is both rewarding and frustrating in the chaos that comes with six kids ranging from 12 to 2, but I can’t image not experiencing all the joy that comes with that experience.  While they were with us, and our son-in-law’s parents (also members of this community) we got to share a glimpse of the everyday life of herding them from waking until sleep. 

With our in-laws, we shared a traditional Polish Christmas Eve dinner called a Wigilla.  For the Polish, the Wigilla is the most important family meal of the entire year.  With its essential components, it provided a true feast, with all its rich tastes, and when coupled with the love of family blended in – it helped remind us of what is most important in life and the Christmas season.

Christmas Eve also marked the transition of the guests from the other parent’s home to ours.  The arrangement worked will to share both the joys of the visit and reduce the stress on homes that are normally chaos free.

Christmas morning found us gathered around the Christmas tree as we exchanged gifts and noted that Santa was still able to find this place to leave some gifts for the kids.  All the excitement (or noise) of a family opening presents is something, I think, every Grandparent looks most forward to.  We were no exception.

In the afternoon as the youngest napped the oldest got to play with all the toys, Mimi has so carefully preserved so they would be here when the need arose.  While that was going on their Dad and I kept watch while Mimi and our daughter prepared a traditional English Christmas dinner for eight adults and six kids. 

At the table, the wine and friendship flowed liberally and I believe everyone had a great time. The house seemed to hold everyone and I haven’t noticed any seams that may have burst, although some belts were loosened. 

The next day we were off to SeaWorld.  The park and the weather cooperated to be a perfect outing, although we didn’t ride as many roller coasters as some would have wanted.  We left the park at about 7pm and not everyone was able to stay awake for the ride home, but when we left everyone agreed it was just a great day all around.  We got to see Orca whales, Dolphins, Manatees, Turtles, Sharks, Rays, Sea Lions, Seals, and all kinds of fish.  Oh yes, and every time we stopped for a couple of minutes the kids got to hunt for lizards or Geckos.  They caught one but he didn’t try to sell them insurance.

All-in-all I’ve got to say this was one the best Christmas’s we’ve had in a long, long time. 

I know not everyone can say that, but my New Year’s wish for all who read this is I hope this next year, and the next Christmas finds you as truly blessed as I feel right now.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.

Two Questions - Continued (part 3, conclusion)

What Happens When the Basic Building Block is destroyed?

What is happening to the building block?

Over the past 100 years, we’ve moved incrementally away from the historical model of a family.  First, we’ve removed the extended family, then we weakened the historical ties, then we questioned the value of life, and now we argue the family itself is corrupt and out of date.  So, what can possibly go wrong?

Historically, when a child reached adulthood and started their own family they moved out, but not far away.  Today, thanks to modern transportation we routinely migrate hundreds and perhaps thousands of miles away from the parents as we start our new lives.  This migration has always been a part of the American experience, but today we see it on a much larger scale than the past.  We’ve become a nation on the move where those who can afford to – never seem to find a place of permanence.  

Grandparents and cousins are pictures on the wall, not routine visitors and playmates.  Gatherings at the holidays will find some excluded for any of a hundred reasons.  The extended family’s ability to help raise and shape the child in the values of the society is often lost in the mobility of today’s world.

Today we see the erosion of the historical values of society as the newer generations become an adult with values derived from external sources like school and television.  Here the values of the family core are displaced by the values of the writers in the entertainment industry or in the philosophies of the educators.   We’ve left the shaping of the child to those who have no direct interest in his or her success or failure.

I believe the result is a child goes through their development with an incomplete picture of society, how they fit within it, and what are the reasonable moral values of a society that will prosper and grow.  They have become individuals who are focused on remaining individuals and not part of the greater family group.

What happens when the family group disappears?

History tells us the society will end.

Two Questions - Continued (part 2)

What is the basic building block of a society

I’ve scoured the internet, spending minutes of my life searching for something, anything that would suggest I am wrong, but there was nothing.  Most of what I find supports the theory -- that going back to our earliest times the family group has been the basis for society.  It is not the individual, a political party, or even a group of friends.  It is the family.  There are all kinds of cliché about this, starting with “blood is thicker than water,” and moving into “the nuclear family.”  The historical perspective was a core family has a mother, a father, and their children.  From those grow the “extended” family of grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc..  The roles of the parents have had some flexibility, but we will get into that in a bit.

In Ms. Clinton’s appropriation of an African proverb about it taking a village to raise a child she misses the main point of the proverb.  She suggests it is the role of the village to raise and train the child to conform, suggesting that role should be fulfilled by the government.  In looking at historical African village concepts they are generally centered around a single-family group which is a part of a larger tribe.  There is in its center the “alpha” family and then the extended uncles, aunts, cousins and nephews of the chief.  Polygamy was not unheard of and like a pride of lions there would be one chief with multiple wives.  But the point remains in the proverb you can replace “it takes a village” with “it takes a family.”

Modern idealists say children are born innocent and are corrupted by the world.  I’m sorry, but I have to take issue with the premise a child is born innocent or guilty.  I don’t intend to get into the idea of sin or religion, but children are born without knowledge.  A lack of knowledge is not the same thing as innocence.  I believe it is their inherent survival instinct that guides their earliest actions.  They know only what they need or want, and concern for anything else is nonexistent.  If they are hungry or soiled they demand attention, and from those initial demands they begin to develop learned behaviors.  The psychology of child development seems to be fairly well researched, at least within the standards of Western European culture.  There must be a thousand books or websites available to help guide parents into what the experts say is a “normal” development.  My parents had Dr. Spock and today’s parents have a bunch of radicals suggesting just how to make the perfect child.  Of course, all of this is based on rigid (or rigged) research to support the researchers claims.  Behavioral psychology, it seems, has fallen out of favor these days, but I recall the research of Dr. B.F. Skinner who kept his infant daughter in an enclosed box so he could study her in an environment without human interaction/nurturing.

This quote from Dr. John B. Watson helps understand why the behaviorists don’t seem to be in the news too much but it was the progressive thought of the early 20^th century.   What I find intriguing though is how closely it aligns to modern progressive thinking.  The government can shape the individual if they are just allowed to do so.

“Give me a dozen healthy infants, well-formed, and my own specified world to bring them up in and I'll guarantee to take any one at random and train him to become any type of specialist I might select—doctor, lawyer, artist, merchant-chief and, yes, even beggar-man and thief, regardless of his talents, penchants, tendencies, abilities, vocations, and race of his ancestors.”[1]

Historical roles within the family.

Now let’s think about the historical roles within the family, at least as understood in the culture our society is based on (western Europe).

Father – The historical understanding of the Father is as a provider for the family.  He was the hunter, the farmer, the income provider, the manual laborer, and a role-model for the male children.  Looking at the religions that have formed to add a consistent moral basis for societies.  The father has been portrayed as the leader of the family group.  When it came time for decisions to be made the father would be the decider.  Obviously, there is a real spread in the quality of fathers, some being outstanding and others not so much.

Mother – She was the provider of life, the nourisher of the children, the support for her husband, and a provider for the family in his absence or out of necessity.  The mother was both the role model for the female children as well as the provider of most of the early training in the roles the children would grow to fill.  Often, she was the rock of morality that anchored the family unit.  Just as with fathers there will always be exceptional mothers who fulfill their roles in a way that leave others in awe.

Child – Children come into the world as empty vessels.  They know only themselves, and even than they don’t know themselves very well.  How they are to grow and become a part of the family, the community, or the society are all open questions that remain to be answered.  The first and forever most important teachers are the parents.  The child’s view of self, his/her role, his/her value, his/her nature are all derived from and expanded by their relationship with first their parents and then their extended family.  If these lessons are negative ones then the quality of their future learning will be at risk as well.  Members of the extended family may fill in gaps, or help augment the role of parents, but they are unlikely to ever completely replace the shortcomings of a poor parent. 

There is an interesting truth in our humanity.  It is impossible to make blanket statements applying universally across all individuals.  There are outstanding individuals who grow to be good parents despite a lack of strong role models.  There are also individuals who fail to grasp the lessons and examples of good role models and end up being failures in their attempts at being adults and/or parents.  But, that being said, what have we been doing to our concepts of family, and as a result what are the impacts to our society?  

 That is a question for tomorrow.

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[1] https://www.verywellmind.com/behavioral-psychology-4157183

Reunion Weekend

This was a reunion weekend for a group of aging warriors. They are men who took their aircraft deep into harms way and returned. I am honored and humbled to be in their midst and to remember those who were not as fortunate as us. 

During the annual business meeting the topic turned to how to invigorate the group with the generations that followed behind us.  That seems to be a very real question, I don’t know if it indicative of todays Air Force, but we seem to be separated by time and space from those who fly the Chariot of Armageddon carrying US Special Forces into and home from todays conflict.  The question becomes how to bridge that gap.  It is a question we struggle with; without a good answer.

We sat drinking a beverage or two as the sun set on the Emerald coast.  I chatted with Frank, a navigator like me, Banzi was there, as was Kevin and Brooks who talked about what they were doing these days, T.J. was as loud and boisterous as ever, and Papasan kept everything organized.  I left early to get ready for an overdue vacation in the Northeast, but I suspect they carried on for a fair time past my departure.

The next morning we met at a flying squadron on base for a series of briefings.  I was honored to brief them on the AFSOC Commander's vision for how future forces would be positioned around the world to support the Combatant Commanders as they implement their parts of the National Strategy.  I talked with them about the toll this long war has taken, how our men and woman are stretched thin, and are asked to make sacrifices few can appreciate.   How the stress on our force manifests itself every day with the return of the wounded from far distant lands.   

Each day I read the morning brief given to the Chief of Staff for the US Air Force.  Each day there are reports of airman who can no longer stand the pain, lose the will to fight or carry on, are swallowed by the feelings of hopelessness, or are in other ways tormented by the images of this long war to the point they choose to end their lives.  Our challenge is to seek them out, to see their pain before it turns to self-destruction.   That is the challenge that our Generals now must face if we are to keep our armed forces combat ready.  The tools we use in combat are nothing without the human spirit that guides them.  Our Generals now realize we can no longer ignore the human impacts of conflict, we must find a way to heal our force and it doesn’t just mean more time off, more pay, or more medals.  We have to find a way to guide our men and woman toward healing, because we cannot afford to do otherwise.

Sitting before me these men and their wives know the pain of loss and the stress of separation and carry many of the same scares, I wonder how we could draw some of their strength to teach our young how they endured and what gives them the strength to carry on?  How do we bring the young into our little band of comrades so they may vent, share, and perhaps heal?

As these thoughts spin in my head, I continue on to talk about the next generation of aircraft and how they will continue the legacy these men established as quiet professionals, who are the first ones sent when the nation calls.  These are the men who have flown to places like the SonTay prisoner of war camp in North Viet Nam, the Desert in Iran, they were the first to airdrop Army Rangers on the Island of Granada, they were the first into Panama, they took the Green Berets into Afghanistan after 9/11, and a hundred other places you have never heard of.

Overall, it was a good weekend.

It's Quiet Now

It is quiet now -- too quiet.  The threat from a duo of two year olds, led by the "older sister" four year old seems to have abated for the moment.  B... "airpain-airpain" L, and S... "oh no! T. are separated, one for a nap, one to be paraded at a baby shower with his older cousin.  H... L is maturing into a young girl who mirrors the qualities of her mother when she was the same age.  Whoever said there is no justice in the world is wrong.

Too soon it will be over and they, along with their parents, will return to their lives and the challenges of a young family trying to form young children into responsible human beings to inherit whatever remains when we are done.

An early Christmas comes and goes.

A Day in the Life of Blackmore Pond

This is a photo log, compiled over several days, but reflecting the sense of a single day on Blackmore Pond, Wareham, MA.  We gathered to celebrate family and for five days that was the singular purpose.

Morning Calm

 At the start of each day I was struck by the calm of this little pond, and its ability to share that calm with your soul, if only you would allow it.

Reflections of a new day

The pond awaits

A mirror to what can be

Just as in life there is, thankfully, more than calm.  We bring to life joy and discovery when we are as children playing freely.

Fishing

Sharing

Riding

Swimming

Learning

Finding Mom

Playing Otter

Debating the value of Swimming

And then, after a full day, the calm of the pond returns to sooth you to rest.

It’s Not My Job and It’s Not My Fault

Two frequently used excuses I would like to put into context.

It’s not my job to run the government, and its not my fault the country is now trillions of dollars in debt.  Whose fault is it?  In our republic we, the citizens, elect our representatives to enact legislation supposedly for the nation.  We have allowed those representatives to stay in office for term after term so they no longer function for us, but for those who contribute to their campaigns or in other ways enrich them.  They have lost complete understanding of the value we place in our tax dollars and look at funds only in the abstract.  If keeping a Representative or Senator in office for life is not our fault whose is it?  Each is just one small voice, but as the tea party has begun to teach we can band together and be a chorus.  If we want to be a nation, we must be involved and pay attention to what our representatives do with our tax dollars.  If we look to them to fix everything they will fix nothing.  If we look to them to be smarter than us we fail to give ourselves the credit we deserve.  We must look first to ourselves for solutions and then to the government, not the other way around.

It is not my job to teach children, and its not my fault children don’t learn.  Do we really think it is the fault of bad teachers?  Is the world made up of universally bad teachers?  If it is not your job, as a parent or adult, to teach children then clearly it must be your fault they can’t learn.  If we forsake our role as model for children to follow, and we let them believe pro athletes are the best, we get kids who think dunking a basketball or running a 4.4 forty is all that matters in life.  We get kids who know they know more than their elders, and think drugs, either performance enhancing or recreational, are the way to be cool.  Unless we are hermits, each of us influence children everyday.  If we are rude, they learn rudeness, if we are mean they learn meanness, if we hate, they hate.  If, on the other hand, we show them respect and demand respect in return, they will learn respect.  If we are honest, and demand honesty they will learn that too.  If, when dealing with teachers, we listen, we challenge, and we don’t accept our kids excuses when we get notes home, perhaps they will learn.  Teachers are not always right, but neither are they always wrong.  It takes both Parents and Teachers for children to learn.

It’s not my job to keep this family together, its not my fault we are getting a divorce.  Really?  Is divorce really “no fault?”  If not no fault is it always the other sides fault?  Don’t get me wrong, there are legitimate reasons for divorce, and there are times marriage must end for the preservation of life, but I think we’ve reached a point in our society where marriage is no longer a vow, a commitment, or a blessing.  It is more of a phase, kind of like acne.  When things are inconvenient we walk away.  It seems trite to “stay together for the kids.”  and the entertainment industry is now showing us we really don’t need to, unless we want a SITCOM or a reality show, but whose job is it to show children commitment and the conflicts life inevitably brings to you and the adversity you have to work through together?  Its not my job is it?

 is my job to leave the world better than I found it.  If each of us would take this as our first responsibility I wonder what tomorrow would be like?