The History of Mankind (as best as I can figure) (part 1)

Billions of years ago (5,775 years on the Jewish calendar) there was a garden, everyone in the garden was happy until someone named Fig Newton dropped an apple and there was a big bang when it hit the garden shed’s steel roof.

Eve found the apple, and eating it she immediately realized she was naked.  She ran looking for Adam to complain about not having any cloths to wear.  She then got her girl friends to take her to the mall and get the latest in fashion. This is known as original sin. 

When the bills started coming in Adam realized gardening was just not a profitable line of work and went into hunting.  He and Eve moved around a lot chasing dinosaurs and rabbits, but still found time for a lot of begetting.  So their family grew and each one of them set out to do their own begetting.

Then at some point someone named Fanny May talked the Pharaohs into a building boom where everyone was supposed to have their own pyramid, but this led to a collapse of the pyramid market and Moses was elected to lead the Israelites on a 40 year tour of the Sinai looking for the promised land.  This was the beginning of the Democratic Party and it continues to this day to seek out the promised land of milk and honey.

Then, due to the burning of carbon based fuels the sun was blotted out and we entered the dark ages where the feudal system was invented.  Some guy named Machiavelli taught everyone how to be subtle in politics by killing off the opposition and is credited with the development of the Republican Party.  The feudal system was carried to its ultimate state when the Hatfield’s and the McCoy’s had their feud. After that the McCain-Feinstein act limited the amount of people could spend on feuds so Marvel Comics invented  Super PAC man.

Meanwhile, while all this was going on some of the other children of Adam and Eve figured out that Science was evil or that at least scientists were not to be trusted.  This led to the creation of the department of homeland security who were also known in the scientific world as peers.  These guys or gals were the only ones who were allowed to question the scientific theology.  Eventually the department began to question the people who thought science was evil, and this led to profiling.  To this day members of the department of homeland security can only be viewed from the side and can't see their image in the mirror.